Last week on the show with the most unnecessary punctuation mark in history - Bethenny Getting Married? - the titular star gave birth to daughter Bryn. This week, she actually had to take care of Bryn. The celebration of life continued, sure. But would the struggles of caring for a newborn overwhelm her? Take it away, THG Real Housewives correspondent.... Ah, the sweet and precious introduction of a new reality television star. This time it’s a one-day-old baby who is about as big as an artichoke. This is little Bryn Hoppy, Bethenny and Jason’s daughter. She was born five weeks early and is a cute little pipsqueak. Her parents are, of course, totally in love. This episode marked a change in Bethenny - away from non-stop snark and fast-paced sarcasm and towards sweet, goo-goo baby love bliss and sleep-deprived incoherence. At the beginning, Jason’s parents came to visit their new grandchild at Lenox Hill Hospital, evidently the hospital where all the rich people go in New York City. Bethenny announces the baby’s name is Bryn, after Jason’s late brother, Bryan. Jason’s mom is very emotional and it’s a sweet moment. But then Bethenny makes us laugh again as she and Jason wrangle with the new breast pump. She says, “I never thought that when I was in da club with Jason that he would be my breast pumping assistant.” I love Bethenny’s ability to keep us laughing, even when she was crying the moment before. Little Bryn is so teeny-tiny and adorable. She reminded me of my beloved ‘80s-vintage Cabbage Patch Preemie as Jason gently rubs her back and whispers to her about all they will do in the future—dance classes, yes, but basketball and golf too. “My little chickpea,” Jason calls Bryn. He makes Bethenny laugh until we fear she’ll pop a stitch. This new family is definitely in a good place. No signs of postpartum nuttiness from Bethenny, at least not yet. She doesn’t seem the type to go all Brooke Shields on us. Meanwhile back at home, poor pooch Cookie is shrouded in one of Bryn’s blankets so she can get used to the baby’s smell… and hopefully not attack and kill the newborn, I am assuming. Cookie has that look in her eyes like she knows she’s in for a “Lady and the Tramp” experience. Except without the creepy Siamese cats. But let me pause on Cookie for a moment. My mom had a dog just like Cookie and that dog went psycho for no reason and bit my sister’s face and she needed a ton of stitches. Literally - he went from sweet doggy snuggle puss to Cujo in ten seconds with no warning. Those dogs aren’t trustworthy. I hope nothing bad happens with Cookie but I’d be worried if I were Bethenny, especially seeing as Cookie already growls and lunges at pretty much anyone and everyone who dares set foot in the apartment. Just a thought. Anywho, the time has come to bring Bryn home. The car ride proves to be a time for the sharing of deep thoughts. “Do you love her?” Jason asks Bethenny about Bryn. “So much,” answers Bethenny. “I never thought I’d love anything like this in my life.” Jason gets tearful thinking about how his mother lost her first child. “I love her so much I can’t imagine losing any child,” he says about his new daughter. This cry-at-the-drop-of-a-hat couple is certainly altered from the one we saw frolicking naked, footloose, and fancy-free in Saint Barth’s a few weeks ago. When Bethenny and Jason pull up to the curb in front of their building, they are ready for a grand and victorious entrance with the new little bambina…but realize they can’t figure out how to get the baby’s seat out of the car. Luckily they have their own little version of “The Help” waiting inside and quickly call on the services of the baby nurse, Gina. Gina arrives on the scene and gets the seat out in two seconds. Bethenny is impressed and says, “Already we’ve gotten our money’s worth from the baby nurse because she knows things. She’s going to be the go-to person for questions like ‘How the hell do I get the baby out of the car?’” You’ve got to wonder what Gina thinks about these wealthy and clueless couples whose offspring she attempts to keep alive for the first few weeks of their lives. After the family has settled in for a few days, wedding planner Shawn shows up to help Bethenny plan her baby shower. It is totally shocking to me that Shawn is willing to go within 50 feet of Bethenny after surviving her wedding, let alone plan another event for her. You’d think this guy would crawl into a corner trembling and plugging his ears at the mere mention of his former nightmare bride. Evidently he’s willing to take more abuse and says, “Talking to Bethenny about the shower, I feel like it has to be perfect. But I know that if I don’t get it right my ass is still on the line.” Are you that desperate for clients, Shawn? Or maybe you just want more face time on a popular television show? Later, clueless assistant Max and Jason head down to the jewelry store to get Bethenny a “push present” but also because Max wants to ask the jewelry designer on a date. The date-asking turns out to be awkward but eventually successful - overall too boring to talk about in detail. The “push present” is the far more interesting subject here. This is a concept I just learned about a year or two ago. Evidently women these days want expensive gifts after popping out a puppy. One of my friends who has adult children was especially baffled upon hearing about this new tradition. She watched several of our mutual friends request and receive lavish gifts upon birthing and finally said, “What’s up with getting a present after you have a baby? In my day, the baby was the present!” I have to say, she has a point. Back in SoHo, Bethenny and Jason are up all night with their new little peanut and her diva-ish demands for breast milk. Bethenny is exhausted and desperate for just one nap. How is one nap not possible with a live-in and highly capable baby nurse armed with bottles full of pumped breast milk? You would think Bethenny could sleep all the time if she wanted to. However, in a way it’s understandable because despite having had a baby just seconds ago, Bethenny still has a full work schedule including DVD chats with publicists, baby showers, USA Today shadowing a day in her life, a trip to Chicago, television appearances, and a radio tour. I wonder why she didn’t plan to go a little lighter with work at least for the first month or two after Bryn was born. Is it possible for Bethenny to stop being a workaholic now that she has a child? About a month after the baby was born, Jason and Bethenny are out on their first date night. Bethenny is already dressed in her old clothes and she looks like she never even got pregnant in the first place. It’s both admirable and bizarre. She is beyond thrilled to be out on the town and armed with an alcoholic drink. She and Jason raise their glasses in triumph. “I’m stopping cursing in front of Bryn,” Bethenny vows. Jason rolls his eyes and says, “That will never happen. Stop ruining my toast.” Jason gives Bethenny the diamond-crusted bangle bracelets that are her “push present” and Bethenny is delighted. A cute husband, a darling baby, capable help, a nice apartment, a hot career, a reality show, expensive bracelets, booze - what more could a girl ask for?
